Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Values in relationships

Everyone has a hierarchy of values, from the things that are really important, all the way down to the things that don't matter. What's important and what doesn't matter changes according to the values of the individual.

Anything that supports your highest values is called 'good' and you are attracted to it in some way, while anything that challenges your highest values you call 'bad' and are repelled by. Our values determine how we conduct our relationships with people.

There are three types of relationships in this context, with each one having a different outcome.

  • Selfish - this is where you focus only on your own values without considering your partner.
  • Walking on eggshells - this is where you focus on your partner's values without considering your own.
Both of those relationships create tension, resulting in many difficulties.
  • Caring - this is where you communicate your values in terms of theirs.
You think of both your side and your partner's side in the caring relationship, which expresses love for yourself and each other. Caring is knowing someone well enough to know their values and expressing your values in ways they can relate to.

When we're in a relationship, we often think the other person is supposed to be like us, and that's what brings us together. However, if any two people are exactly the same, one of them is unnecessary.

The purpose of a relationship is to help us learn to love those parts we've ignored or disowned. Each person has their own values, and no two people ever have the same. Each person expresses their love through their own values, and when we honour our partners values, we understand that we're surrounded by love in all kinds of ways that we didn't recognise.

If we accept the love that is in accordance with our partner's values, and understand that it doesn't need to be the same as our own, then we'll find love in places we never thought possible.

You only need the courage to start appreciating how other people express their values, and the desire to understand them. Once you do that, you'll have more fulfilling relationships, where you value each other's values and how they improve your own life.


Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Don't be a nice guy!

"Nice guys come last."
Why is that saying, so often denied by women, always so true? Women say they want a nice guy, but really, they don't. They often end up being with someone who treats them like a jerk, who doesn't respect them at all. And then they seek out the nice guy to complain about why they can't find a nice guy to be with!

Nice guys hear it all the time, and yet they remain single, constantly wondering: if women are looking for nice guys, why are they still single?

The problem is that nice guys come last because they're... nice! They aren't funny, confident or even mysterious. These qualities are what women find attractive. Nice guys are open, honest and caring. They give all of themselves in order to please women and 'be more attractive' to them. It doesn't work though. When you give everything to a woman, she has nothing to seek out for herself! There's no mystery, no attraction.

When a woman meets a man, straight away she, like men, gets a conscious idea of what 'category' that man will fit into her life. A man falls into the category of 'friend', 'romantic potential' or 'you've got to be kidding'! Once her decision is made, it's more than likely going to remain that way. No matter what a man does, he has been categorised.

Hey, men do it. So do women.

When men realise this, they then have the power of determining which category they want to be put into. If you want to be the woman's friend, then simply be the nice guy. If you want to be of romantic potential, then being the nice guy isn't going to work.

To a woman, romantic potential doesn't just include your appearance, although that can be helpful if you're good looking. It doesn't include how well you listen to her, or how much you care about her. To a woman, how funny, confident and mysterious you are means more than your appearance. If you can make a woman laugh and wonder about who you really are, then you become attractive to her.

This means that you can control attraction, simply by your actions. You are never a victim of circumstance, or of the whims of fickle women. It's easier than that! Their attraction to you is under your control!

So how do you control a woman's attraction to you?

Well, first of all, you have to decide if you want to be attractive to her. (Here's a little tip. If you start practicing making yourself attractive to all women, of all sizes, shapes and age, being attractive will become second nature to you. It will become something you are, rather than something you try to be.)

Be unpredictable and uncontrollable, challenging and dominant. These are qualities which women require in romantic potentials. Women don't want someone that bores them with predictability, who allows them to control him, who isn't a challenge, and who is a weak-minded wimp. Women want a man who KNOWS he's a man, and who's proud of it. Women want to be respected for being women, and they want to be able to respect a man for being a man.

Believe that you don't need to impress the woman you're talking to. There are so many women out there, what makes you think you need to impress this one? Don't try to impress her, just be yourself. But make sure that being yourself is also being funny. Make her laugh at your jokes. And make jokes about HER! Make jokes about the colour of her shoes, or the clothes she's wearing. Pretend you're wondering if she's going to a fancy dress party or something. Ask her what crazed fool thought that carrying that handbag would suit her - "...and just what have you got in there, the kitchen sink? It's HUGE!". You get the picture, I'm sure.

Be dominant. Be the one who is decisive about what you want and where you want to go. Always have a backup plan, and be prepared. This shows that you are capable of looking after her and her needs. Women need their men to be emotionally and mentally strong, able to take care of themselves and her. Women need to trust that you will be able to look after them, keep them happy and secure. That makes for romantic potential.

Be impressive to her by NOT IMPRESSING HER. Show her that you are having fun, and that you don't particularly care if she stays or goes, or if she likes you or not. Being yourself and making FUNNY jokes at her expense are a great way of SHOWING CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.

You will be doing what no one else does, and that instantly makes you more attractive than the rest of them.

Now, this doesn't always work. But remember, IT DOESN'T MATTER. There ARE plenty of women out there, and if one of them doesn't like your sense of humour, that's their loss, not yours. If they don't like you making jokes about something they're wearing or doing, then they are the ones with the emotional problems about themselves. Anyone who can't laugh at themselves is not going to be fun to be with. (Naturally, make sure the jokes make sense and are relevant to whatever the joke is about. Only refer to something that stands out.)

Be sexual, but don't be crude. Compliment a woman sexually, and you'll show her that you're not a 'nice guy', but that you're a man who has 'romantic potential'.

Women have sex and think about their future with a man who has romantic potential. They don't have sex with the nice guys, the ones who are only their friends. They have sex with the guys who excite them, who challenge them, and who show the probability of romantic potential.

So if you want to only be friends with women, then be a nice guy. But if you want to have a woman excited to be with you, and looking forward to the next time she can be with you, then DON'T be a nice guy! Don't be a jerk either, but be someone who excites her, and who she can respect and admire.

Be strong but gentle. Be funny, not insecure. Be yourself, not someone that you THINK she wants you to be.

Be a challenge. Don't be a 'nice guy', as nice guys DO come last.